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November 3, 2008

Nigel Inadvertently Plays Matchmaker

"I can't do this anymore," Tommy said from his vantage point near a window. He was in Brian's room. He'd been spending a lot of time there after his falling out with Richard. It had only been a week, but it felt like forever. Brian was, as usual, happy to have him.

"Do what?" Brian asked from where he lay upon his bed staring ponderously at his algebra textbook.

"This thing that we've been doing," Tommy replied, his gaze affixed firmly on a spot of empty pavement across the street. The thing they never should have started.

"The messin' about, y'know?" He said. Guilt hung like a shadow over his shoulder as he stood there with Brian's suede, fur-collared jacket draped over his bare shoulders and not much else. He was dreading the words he knew he had to say to Brian so much so that he couldn't even be amused at the boy's choice of reading materials. The "messin' about" that he'd traveled to Brian's flat to put an end to hadn't exactly gone the way he planned. He knew that Brian was merely a substitute for the person he actually longed for, but since Richard had put a distinct and final end to the notion it would ever happen, or that they would ever be friends again, Tommy was finding it difficult to resist temptation. He thought it might make him feel better. He thought it would help him get over the object of his affection. It hadn't. He glanced back at Brian and his gut clenched into knots. It wasn't fair. He knew very well that Brian had attached some kind of meaning to the things they had done. To Tommy it had only be a way to temporarily satiate his curiosity.

"What?" Brian looked up from his book with an alarmed expression.

"I can't do it," Tommy muttered glumly as he turned his gaze to the floor and wrapped Brian's coat tighter around him to avoid the chill from the drafty window. "I don't love you."

"I know that." Brian sat up and frowned. "That hasn't stopped us..."

"I'm in love with someone else," Tommy interrupted him.

"Oh, please," Brian scoffed. "How do you know that?"

"Because." Tommy leveled his gaze and glared at him. "Because I'm miserable. That's how I know."

"I make you miserable?" Brian asked.

"That's not what I said," Tommy replied. "I just...it's not fair to you. We've got to stop."

"Do I look like I care about what's fair, Tom?" Brian said. "Seriously, you're the only person..."

"I'm the only nothing!" Tommy stood up angrily. "Don't say that. Don't make this hard."

"Fine." Brian jumped up from the bed, found his trousers and yanked them back on. He made towards the door.

"Wait, where are you going?" Tommy called after him.

"I'll let you get dressed," Brian snapped at him and stomped from the room.

***

Tommy found Brian in his kitchen staring mindlessly into a tepid cup of tea.

"Uhm..." Tommy shuffled back and forth, unsure of what he should say, if anything. "Here's your coat?" He held it out to Brian who stared at it for a moment before finally looking up at Tommy.

"Keep it, Sinclair," he said. "I know you like it."

"But I..."

Brian glowered at him. "It'll only remind me of you anyway."

"I'm sorry," Tommy continued to speak causing Brian to cut him off yet again.

"It's fine. I told you. We don't have to talk about it anymore."

"But I just..."

"Go away," Brian finally snapped. "Please. Do you really want to see me cry?"

Tommy contemplated another apology, but bit it back and walked away instead. He held the coat in his arms as he departed Brian's building, as if putting it on would amount to some kind of further betrayal. He turned around momentarily as he reached the other side of the street and looked up at the windows of Brian's flat. They were empty. Tommy sighed. It was done.

** *

"This has been going o­n for a week," Nigel said as he and Tommy sat o­n the sofa in his parlor. "It's worse than you've ever been."

"We aren't o­n speaking terms," Tommy said. "Can we please go do something? It's silly just sitting here."

"We aren't just sitting here. I'm trying to talk to you," Nigel pointed out.

"I'm tired of talking." Tommy scowled. "Talk, talk, talk, that's all we ever do. All it does is cock things up."

"Well, you're the o­nly o­ne he talks to, really," Nigel said.

Tommy scrunched his tiny frame into the back of the couch as if he hoped that by doing so he would disappear between the cushions. He couldn't for the life of him even figure out why Nigel was bothered by he and Richard's falling out. It always seemed to Tommy that his best friend had been a bit jealous.

"Bollocks," Tommy spat. "He'll talk to you if you listen to what he says. That's all he wants is someone to treat him like he's normal. Like he isn't fragile. That's all."

"No." Nigel shook his head. "I've tried. He just walks around in a stupor, or keeps himself locked up in his room..."

"I don't care," Tommy replied bitterly. "Are we done here? Because I'm going to the cinema Are you coming?"

"Okay, fine." Nigel gave up. "Should I ring Liam?"

"Nah." Tommy shook his head. "It'll be just you and me. Like old times, Mate. When things were easy."

****

Richard was lonely. His anti-Tommy non-verbal assault wasn't going as planned. Instead of forgetting about him and what he had said, Richard found a gaping hole in his life where his friend used to be. He had nobody to argue with. Nobody dared. They all still seemed to be afraid if they even disagreed it would send him off the deep end. He certainly thought he had gained quite a bit of stability since moving back to London, and Tommy was a big part of that. The more the week wore down and the more he longed for Tommy's companionship, the more he realized just how close they had become and that Tommy had been so very right in the antique shop. There was something between them, and he, Richard Michael Blume, had thrown it away because he was scared of what might happen. He wasn't the type of person who could just go up to Tommy and apologize and say that he was wrong. It wasn't because he didn't do apologies, but because he didn't have the courage. Richard knew he had rejected Tommy in a most hurtful way. He was selfish. If he admitted how he felt it gave Tommy the opportunity to hurt him back. So Richard, not willing to take any chances, sat in his room turning an old Eutectic Single over in his hands and lamenting every decision he had ever made in his short and undistinguished life.

***

"What is he doing here?" Tommy looked up from where he was eying his shot at the Billiards table and stared at Richard. Liam made a clucking noise of amusement from his vantage point. He was ready to see a fight. Richard turned tail and ran smack into Nigel who was blocking the entire doorway.

"Move," Richard demanded after he practically bounced off Nigel's chest aggravating his mostly healed surgical wounds.

"Are you okay?" Nigel asked and Richard nodded.

"Fine then." Nigel grabbed his cousin's shoulders and forcibly marched him over to Tommy who stood his full height with his shoulders back and his wide brown eyes leveled at Richard. Tommy always had a tendency to look like the biggest person in the room even though he was usually the smallest.

"What's going o­n?" He addressed Nigel.

"Okay." Nigel held o­nto Richard as the boy was trying to squirm his way loose.

"This is how it is," Nigel said. "Liam and I are going to the store, and we will be back in a half hour. You can either go..." He released Richard. "Or you can stay, but I hope you decide to stay and suss things out, because you make better friends than enemies, and you write better songs together. C'mon." He motioned to Liam, who abandoned his cue and obediently followed along.

"I'm leaving," Richard announced not a moment later. "Mum wanted me to help her with her dinner party. She wants to show me off..."

"I'm sorry," Tommy interrupted him. "This is really daft. Nigel's right. It's my fault. I should not have said what I said, and for that I apologize. I should have known better."

"But you meant it," Richard sighed and flopped into a nearby armchair. "You always mean it."

Tommy looked down at his hands as he abandoned his cue. He wasn't going to deny it.

"Look, I think we should try and get past it," Tommy offered. "It was just a thought, a very stupid and apparently incorrect judgment o­n my part, so let's just forget about it."

"I can't," Richard said. "Nobody's ever said anything like that to me before..."

"I know...," Tommy Interrupted, "I know that things can't be the same, but you know I care about you."

"Obviously," Richard cut in.

"And," Tommy continued, "If you don't trust me to remain friends, then can we at least be civil?"

"If you want," Richard conceded his voice dropping a notch in volume.

"I'm so sorry." Tommy hung his head. "This isn't what either of us wanted I don't think, but...I'm just sorry, and I'm going to miss you."

His last words seemed to go straight into Richard like an arrow to the heart. He didn't want Tommy to miss him. He wanted Tommy to be with him, and the o­nly thing stopping that from happening was Richard's reluctance to take a chance. He stood up and nervously crossed the floor to where the smaller boy stood.

"I hope you don't have your heart set o­n being repentant," Richard said.

"What do you mean?" Tommy glanced up at him while keeping his head down.

"Nobody's ever told me that they loved me before," Richard said. "Not even my parents. I just keep telling myself if I can be normal then everything will be fine and nobody can hurt me or the people I love again. I'm not particularly ashamed of being gay, Tom. That's not what I'm afraid of really. Let me tell you why I did what I did..." he paused for a very long time before continuing, and Tommy said nothing by way of encouragement. "There was the group of older kids at school. Not that much older, mind, but they were awful. They were bigger than us, and stronger than us, and this chap there...he was a lot like you. He and I, we were together more or less. It was stupid, but we had visions of white picket fences. Silly, I know, but we were o­nly children."

Richard stopped for a moment as he was suddenly o­n the verge of a breakdown. Tears formed in the corners of his eyes, but he took a deep breath and continued.

"He taught me how to kiss, and then o­ne of those older kids...they found out and they thought they'd teach him a lesson. They raped him, Tom. Some logic, that. And they knew...about me and I was next o­n their list. I couldn't tell anybody, they'd already gotten off scott free o­nce and nobody seemed to care. Sam left school a bit after it happened. He wasn't the same, wouldn't even let me go near him. Then, after he'd gone, every day they taunted me, and they tortured me. Every single fucking day. It was easy for them. I was being medicated for something I didn't have and it was making me insane. I could barely function, y'know? I was so angry and miserable. I was an easy target. I couldn't see any other way out. Was I going to tell my parents? I doubt it. I blamed myself for what happened, and I didn't want it to happen to me. I would have rather died, so that's what I tried to do, and now I'm here. And you say that you love me, and I want to say that I love you too, but I don't know if I can."

"You don't have to say anything," Tommy stood from his leaning position against the billiards table, stepped towards Richard, and wrapped his arms around his waist.

Richard wiped his own tears away and smiled slightly at Tommy before leaning in and kissing him.

***

Nigel and Liam returned promptly a half hour later as promised. Tommy was grinning from ear to ear as he breezed by them proclaiming his need to find the toilet. Richard sat guiltily in his armchair. He was somewhere between complete and utter ecstasy and horror at what had transpired since Nigel had left. All he knew was that Tommy understood. He stood up and adjusted his tie and shirt, which had come untucked, and grabbed his school jacket.

"I should get home," Richard said. "Mum's expecting me."

"You're looking a bit frazzled, Richey," Liam said. "What did he do to you?"

"Threw me down o­n the Billiards table and had his way with me." Richard rolled his eyes even though it wasn't all that far from the truth.

"Yea, right," Liam snorted and grabbed his cue from its spot o­n the rack.

"So did you suss everything out?" Nigel asked. "Is everything back to normal?"

"Back to something, I'll see you tomorrow," Richard mumbled and hastily retreated.

He met Tommy o­n the stairwell. They paused and gave each other the o­nce over.

"What now?" Richard asked. "What do we do now?"

"I don't know," Tommy replied.

"Well, I want to do that again," Richard said with a smirk and a nod in the direction of the billiards room. "Preferably without such constricting time restraints."

"I'd wager." Tommy grinned widely at him. "Don't worry," he continued as he noted an apprehensive expression take over Richard's face. "I think now we probably go out o­n a date...or just stay home or something. Whatever you want."

"Yea, is that how it works? Somehow I don't think it's as easy as that." Richard rolled his eyes and sat upon the steps. "So what? Are you my boyfriend now?"

"I think I might like a boyfriend," Tommy sat down next to him. "All the wanton sex I've been having can get tiresome."

"Shut up," Richard laughed. "You're as much a virgin as any of us!"

"Am not," Tommy replied. "You know that. Nigel let it slip, remember?"

"Yeah. I didn't believe him. That was true?" Richard shook his head. "Who then?"

"Grace Meyer." Tommy leaned back, satisfied with his conquest. "Remember that summer I spent in the country?"

"That was years ago," Richard gasped.

"Yes," Tommy agreed. "I'm a naughty, naughty boy, aren't you lucky? Now I'm going to deflower you."

"Right here o­n the stairwell?" Richard gave him an arched expression.

"If you want to, baby," Tommy replied.

"Oh, please do." He grinned. "I'm sure my aunt would love to come home and catch us doing that."

"Tom," Richard sighed, suddenly becoming serious. "You aren't going to tell anybody are you?"

"No," Tommy assured him. "If you don't want me to I won't."

"It doesn't bother you?" Richard frowned. "I'm just not ready to...you know? Not...not because of school. Not because of them." He glanced in the direction of the billiards room where Nigel and Liam were. "It's my parents..."

"I know. It's alright, I wasn't exactly in a thinking state when I blurted it out myself. Now I'm kinda stuck." Tommy sat up and wrapped his arms around Richard. They sat with their heads together for a moment.

"I can't believe you had sex with a girl." Richard wrinkled his nose in displeasure.

"Believe it," Tommy replied. "I like girls."

"Weird," Richard declared, and Tommy laughed at him. He held Richard close and kissed him playfully o­n the cheek.

Richard turned his head, their lips found o­ne another, and the playfulness instantly turned urgent and intense. Richard pulled away first and held Tommy at bay. They were gazing at each other with utter adoration radiating from their features when Nigel slammed the billiard room door and interrupted them. Richard jumped immediately to his feet nearly tumbling down the stairwell.

"That was your mum o­n the telly," Nigel addressed Richard rather coldly. "She want's you home."

Richard nodded and turned his gaze towards his feet.

"Can we have a tic?" Tommy glared impatiently up at Nigel.

Nigel shrugged and reluctantly returned to the game room.

"I ought to go," Richard said. "Do you think he saw us?"

"No," Tommy asserted as he stood up, moved to where Richard stood, and embraced him.

"You ring me tonight, alright?" He whispered in Richard's ear before straightening up and giving his boyfriend a departing slap o­n the rear.

***

"So you and Tom have patched things up right proper?" Nigel asked o­n the way to school the next day.

"Yea," Richard replied. "You could say that."

"I saw you, you know," Nigel replied, instantaneously shattering his cousin's brilliantly happy mood.

"So did you do it o­n the Billiards table like you said?"

"We didn't do too much of anything actually," Richard mumbled. "You couldn't have spent a whole hour at the shop, could you?"

"I think you're making a mistake, Richey," Nigel said. "This is Tom we're talking about...he can be persuasive, are you absolutely sure?"

Richard continued to walk towards Tommy's flat, hoping beyond all reasonable hope that he would be able to out-walk Nigel and his nearly six foot tall frame and not have to answer, but Nigel stood beside him and Richard knew it was time for a declaration of sorts.

"Am I sure of what?" he muttered. "I'm gay, and I'm in love with Tom, if that's what you want to know."

"Since when?" Nigel replied, unwilling to believe it.

"Since I realized my dick was good for other things besides taking a piss," Richard hissed back. "Which isn't a recent development either."

"Please, just think about this," Nigel pleaded.

"It's not a decision," Richard said. "I've known this before I even came back to London. It's nothing to do with Tommy. I'm sorry if yo don't believe me."

He turned into a walkway and marched up to the buzzer. Tommy appeared shortly and informed Nigel that he and Richard would be foregoing morning classes in order to study for a Latin exam.

"Richey doesn't take Latin," Nigel informed him.

"He knows," Richard pointed out glumly.

"Oh, good,"Tommy grinned. "Then we're going to skimp class to have hot rampaging..."

"No you're not," Nigel gasped his interruption. He'd heard Tommy talk before since his proclamation in the cafeteria. Any shame he'd harbored before that had completely evaporated. Usually the talk didn't bother Nigel. He didn't really care, but when it was said in regards to Richard, suddenly he felt like he was being cheated o­n in the best friends department.

"Richey, you're coming with me!"

"No, I'm not. Given the options I'm sure you wouldn't choose maths." Richard glared at his cousin and took a step towards Tommy. "Why don't you pick up Liam and shove out of our lives?"

*****

"You came back," Nigel muttered as Richard sidled up to him in order to open his locker later on that day.

"His mum called," Richard mumbled. "He does actually have a Latin exam today."

"How are you going to explain this tardy to your parents?" Nigel asked.

"I don't know." Richard slammed his locker shut and leaned against it facing down the hall with his back to his cousin.

"You didn't do anything did you?" Nigel asked. "Did you?"

"What we did is not your concern," Richard informed him.

Nigel gave his cousin a long evaluating look before discerning that something had been done. What it was he was sure he didn't really want
to know about anyway.

"This is so wrong," he decided to say out loud. "I can't fucking believe that it's gone here."

"What is your problem?" Richard snarled at him.

"You know, I'm sorry, but this is Tom we're talking about," he replied. "I don't care if you're gay, but Tom? He's just trying to get in your pants."

Richard didn't believe that was true. They'd known each other for three years, and they'd been walking the line nearly the entire time. If Tom had o­nly wanted to get in his pants things would have gone down quite differently Richard was sure.

"He loves me, Nigel."

"He doesn't love you," Nigel chided. "I don't know...he's kind of a slapper!"

"I thought you were his friend?" Richard gasped.

"I am," Nigel said. "I'm just trying to warn you. I've known him longer."

"Look, you may have known him the longest and you may think you know him the best, but you don't. You certainly don't know me," Richard said. "But I'll tell you o­ne thing, Nigel Caughton, that was a right bastard thing to say about your best friend."

Tommy approached the two from the corner and stomped into their midst. He'd heard every word that Nigel had to say about him. Not o­nly was he angry, but he felt beyond betrayed, and that hurt, especially when he saw the look o­n his best friends face. Nigel was staring at him like he was the spawn of Satan.

"Richard here was just telling me about his morning." Nigel eyed Tommy.

"How Kinky," Tommy offered, trying to control his anger. He didn't know exactly what Nigel had hoped to gain by even asking Richard about what had happened, and Tommy felt rather proud of his boyfriend for handling it the way he had.

"I have class," Richard broke in. "I'll see you tonight, Thompson."

He gave Tommy a slight wave before departing knowing he was being watched as he sauntered away in the opposite direction. Tommy let forth a wistful sigh while Nigel cleared his throat.

"Thompson?" He asked. "What is that about?"

"It's my name isn't it?" Tommy replied.

"How can you do this to him?"

"What?" Tommy spun around and glared at him. He couldn't really fathom what he was hearing. "What the fuck do you mean?"

"He's already confused," Nigel said.

"Oh no he's not," Tommy countermanded. "He's the least confused person I've ever met. Why do you assume that I'm some sort of sex fiend pervert here to corrupt your poor innocent cousin?"

"Because you are," Nigel spat unthinkingly. "Richey doesn't know about this kind of thing..."

Nigel had worked himself up into an agitated state and honestly didn't mean the things that were spilling uncontrollably out of his lips. He only wanted things to return to the way they had been. Tommy, however, was completely bowled over by his friend's seemingly Jekyll and Hyde transformation. He wasn't going to stand there and be insulted.

"I am so not," he replied.

"Tom, you fucker," Nigel growled. "You bang o­n like you're some bloody choir boy, but you aren't. You've been messin' about with people since you were what...ten? Nine?"

"Yea so?" Tommy replied loudly. "Not everybody is sexually frustrated like you are. Least of all Richey."

"Yea, at least I don't have sex with my cousins," Nigel replied.

"Grace is not my cousin," Tommy growled. "That was low, Nige. I'm not related to her in any way."

"So," Nigel challenged, "You just shagged her and came back here and didn't say a damn thing to me for weeks. Who's to say you aren't going to do that with Richard?"

"Gracie is a tart," Tommy informed him. "She had her nips pierced! I couldn't have had a relationship with her even if that's what I wanted. She told me she doesn't do boyfriends..."

"Only her cousins"

"She's not my cousin for the last time!" Tommy nearly shrieked.

"Keep your voice down," Nigel snapped.

"No," Tommy shouted. "You're standing here calling me a fucker and claiming I'm nothing short of an incestuous slapper, and I'm not supposed to be upset? I'm just supposed to stand here and take it? Well, screw you!"

"No screw you," he returned.

"Screw you!" Tommy shouted again. They continued back and forth until the nearest teacher, Mr. Tidall, grabbed them by their uniform jackets and dragged them off to the headmistress' office.

***

"You look like someone just killed your dog," Liam glanced at Nigel. "Where's Tom anyway?"

"He and Richey have other plans for lunch," Nigel grumbled and poked at his lunch food listlessly. "They're probably doing it in the loo."

"Right." Liam looked down at his own food. "So I missed something didn't I?"

"Yea," Nigel replied.

"I knew it!" Liam sat back in satisfaction. "I knew that Richey kid was a bit off."

"Congratulations," Nigel snickered. "You have excellent gaydar, your mum will be proud."

"Shut-up," Liam replied then pointed out, "This was your idea you know. You could have let them stay in non-speaking mode."

"I should have," Nigel muttered. "Then we might have gone back to normal."

Liam eyed him for a moment. Nigel was hearkening back to a time when it had o­nly been Tommy and he taking o­n the world. It was obviously never going to return to that state again. Especially after the things Nigel had said o­nly an hour earlier.

"You know," Liam said. "You certainly have a knack for healing friendships. Remind me never to have you help me out with any of mine."

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